All That Glitters
by JestersTear
Summary: Snape is sent by Dumbledore to live among Muggles following the first fall of Voldemort, and discovers that some Muggles are, indeed, as worthy as any wizard...
1. Prelude Another Sleepless Night

**All That Glitters...**

**Prelude**

**Another Sleepless Night**

It was half past ten in the morning, and Melanie was in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He came downstairs humming a merry tune, sneaked up behind her and stole her a kiss. It was amazing how, after almost fourteen years, he still loved her like the first time; even more unbelievable was how she managed to love him. Never, not for one day, had he regretted his choice, or felt sorry for what he had left behind... he had her, everything else paled in comparison, even magic. Who would have believed, Severus Snape in love with a muggle? He had never mustered up the courage to tell her about the wizarding world, afraid that it would be too much for her to handle, that she would push him away, and so he had been contented to just live his life as a muggle... no, not contented, he was truly happy, just as long as she was with him... Melanie... his wife. He held her in his arms and smiled.

"Have I told you I love you?"

"Not today, no", she answered, mockingly, and he held her closer until she was out of breath. 

His life was perfect, it was a dream... and then blackness fell all around him, and it seemed to engulf him in it, and there was just infinite sadness. He was alone in his bedchambers in Hogwarts, alone as he had been for so long, his dream-life never really having been any more than that. A dream. A memory. A distant echo of what it could have been. And he was tired, so tired, of waking up... all he had ever wanted was to be with her, he had wanted that even when he'd thought she'd never look at him twice, he'd have settled for anything that resembled friendship, anything from her, a smile, a glimpse, a... he had to let it go, he simply had to. He hadn't seen her in twelve years, it was time to let go and understand that his share of happiness in life was long over. To sum up, it was time to take yet another Potion for Dreamless Sleep. There had been a time when he would have cried out to the Heavens, begged the dream to come back, for the memory of her to be with him for just a little longer, but that had been a long time ago. He could no longer even gather the strength to remember, to have her for but a moment and then wake up once more, so he simply did his best to forget, forget that he'd once been happy, forget that he once had her, forget... everything. Except he couldn't. There was no merciful oblivion for Severus Snape, no blissful sleep, only clouded memories mixed with hopes. Or the alternative. The Potion for Dreamless Sleep, that he made so strong for himself that it was only a step away from the Draught of the Living Death, that provided him not with rest, but with nothingness, that made nights even emptier than days. Sometimes he wished he would make a mistake, make it strong enough for him to never wake up again, but he was too good for mistakes, and too focused for suicide. He would go on living, while he was needed, maybe even after that.

Slowly, as if it pained him, Potions Master Severus Snape rose from his bed, glancing at one of his few prized possessions, his clepsydra, just long enough to realize it was nearly four o'clock in the morning. He opened his cupboard to discover he was out of the potion, which was no wonder, considering he had been taking it nearly every night before he went to bed for two weeks now. The memories were always more vivid this time of the year, the anniversary of his proposal. He should have remembered to fill his Dreamless Sleep stock, but he had been distracted by the beginning of the school year preparations, and it was too late to do it now, he would just have to make do without it.

He slammed the cupboard door shut so strongly it flew right back open again, but he didn't bother to close it this time. Returning to bed, Snape knew he was fighting a lost battle. It was fairly easy to go through the days, but the nights were a different matter entirely - he was simply overcome, by memories, by grief... He gave a quick, harsh laugh at himself. Not one of his students would have guessed it: the slimy, oily, sneering, unpleasant, unfair Professor Severus Snape actually had a heart.

Trying to keep away the inexorable sea of emotions, he couldn't close his eyes - he just lay there, staring unblinkingly at the cold stone ceiling. His chamber wasn't warm or cosy in the slightest: apart from the cupboard, his entire furniture was composed by a single black iron bed, a three-door closet and a small bedside table; these things sufficed for Severus Snape, for he was not one for pleasantries.

His mind was going around in circles, tonight was being one of the worst so far, and he hated feeling sorry for himself, he wasn't even worthy of pity. And still, relentless, the memories kept coming back at him until he could finally no longer keep them at bay, until he was forced to let them flow freely, and they swallowed him whole.

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Ok, this is my first fic, please let me know what you think of it (don't be _too harsh, ok?) ;)_

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Ooops, nearly forgot the disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Melanie) and am not making a profit out of this. Every-wonderful-thing else belongs to J. K. Rowling.


	2. Beginnings

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Melanie, Jack and Will.) and am not making a profit out of this. Every-wonderful-thing else belongs to J. K. Rowling.

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**All That Glitters...**

**Chapter One**

**Beginnings**

It had been nearly immediately after Voldemort's defeat. Severus had wondered for a long time what would happen to him, lying on his bed in a room above the Leaky Cauldron. He had provided Dumbledore with all the information he could for the past three and a half years and now, finally, his work was done. It didn't so much matter that he had an upcoming trial in a few days, it wasn't important that he didn't believe Dumbledore's influence would be enough to save him from the clutches of Barty Crouch. The only thing that truly mattered to him was that he no longer needed to be by Voldemort's side, that he would not be forced to commit any more atrocities. He was free at last, free even if it meant Azkaban. He supposed it was good enough that Dumbledore had been able to pull some strings for him to await the trial in freedom, but his kind act had been almost in vain; there was nothing for Severus out there, no one to say goodbye. The only person he had ever cared for, or that had ever cared for him was Dumbledore, whom he loved like a father. And, like a true father's, his love had resisted Severus' dark actions, and he had once again placed his entire trust on the former Death Eater. This time, Severus hadn't disappointed him. He vowed he never would again.

In the end, his suspicions proved unfounded as the trial ended up being more _pro forma_ than anything else. Dumbledore had given a remarkable statement on his behalf, reinforcing that he found him to be a hundred percent reliable, and he had walked astonishedly free. This had left him with another problem: he had almost no money left, no job, and nowhere to go. He'd been too convinced of winding up in Azkaban to worry about it before, and now he didn't know what to do. He had returned to the Leaky Cauldron for another week, which he spent unsuccessfully looking for a job. It seemed every door was closed to him, which came as no surprise; after all, your average wizard wasn't exactly as forgiving as Dumbledore. On the last day he could afford to remain there, however, he had gotten an owl from the Headmaster asking if he would be so kind as to drop by Hogwarts that afternoon. Considering he had nothing better to do, and that he couldn't say no to the old wizard, he'd scribbled an affirmative reply and apparated to Hogsmeade. Even that Dumbledore had managed to allow him to keep, his apparating license. The Headmaster had truly given him much, much more than he deserved. And was about to give more, as Severus discovered with a shock. 

He remembered their conversation completely. Dumbledore had been waiting for him at the gates of Hogwarts, a kind smile that extended to his twinkling blue eyes.

"Ah, Severus, I've been expecting you. Come, let us talk in my office."

Severus had simply followed, obediently. After they were both comfortably sitting in the Headmaster's office, with a tea cup in hand and some cookies to go along, the older wizard had finally seen fit to reveal the purpose of their encounter.

"I understand you have been looking for a job."

"I have."

"It also came to my attention that you have been unable to find one."

"That is correct."

"And, if I'm not mistaken, you've made quite an extensive research on muggle chemistry over the years."

"How could you be mistaken, Headmaster," Severus' voice held a touch of irony "when you yourself helped me in the pursuit of such knowledge?"

"Ah, yes, of course. I have a deal to offer you, Severus."

"A deal?" This proposition would have made him wary coming from anyone else but, from Dumbledore, it merely aroused his curiosity.

"Yes. You see, Severus, I am fully aware that you now know there are no significant distinctions between Muggles and ourselves."

"I do."

"However, I feel that your knowledge is abstract at best. It doesn't come from interaction, it comes from logic."

"Your point being?"

"I will provide you with a job in a Muggle school, teaching Chemistry. I will also provide the necessary money for your first month of stay and food. If you accept my offer you are to live as a Muggle for a full year, after which the position of Potions Master at this school will be yours if you'll have it. Professor Quartermain will be retiring by then, and I cannot think of anyone more qualified than yourself. You may, of course, have time to think about this, and you may stay here at Hogwarts while you do so. I will think no less of you if you decline."

Severus' mind had been reeling with so many questions he didn't know where to start. He ended up choosing one of the least likely. "You don't think parents will complain endlessly about such a dark influence as myself?"

"They will simply have to trust my better judgement. You have, after all, been acquitted. I have full confidence in both your skills and your character, Severus."

"Headmaster-"

"Albus. You are no longer my student, after all."

"Albus. You then have far more confidence in me than I have in myself."

"Well, you must surely work on your self confidence, then." Once again, a familiar twinkle in kind blue eyes.

"I must tell you now, Head... Albus, that I am in no way looking forward to living among Muggles for a day, let alone a year. However, if that is your wish, I will do it. I would do it even without the offer of the Potions' position. You have done far more for me than I could possibly deserve."

"No, Severus, I haven't done nearly enough. You have more than expiated your sins." The twinkle turning to a compassionately sad expression. "And I wouldn't tell you to live in Muggle London if I didn't believe it to be in your best interest. But I want you to know that you can have Hogwarts to call home, if you'd like. Always. And you can count on me when you need anything."

"Thank you, Hea... Albus. I have but one request."

"Yes?"

"The Potion for Dreamless Sleep. I might have need for it. May I-"

"Yes, Severus, of course you may. We must all be allowed to handle our inner ghosts in our own, personal ways. I would know, trust me. Ghosts tend to grow in numbers with old age, my friend."

He had no answer to this, so he had just quietly accepted it and, after a crash course on Muggle living given by Professor Shoolbred, the Muggle Studies teacher at the time, he had set off to "Muggleland".

----

The day was rather chilly when Severus apparated in an alley. He felt it fitting in both temperature and location, but, of course, discretion was necessary. It was far more difficult to apparate without previously knowing the place, but he'd had a pretty good description plus some coordinates to help. He set off to search for one Mrs. Boulstridge, owner of a Bed & Breakfast called _Bed & Breakfast_. How original. Considering his lack of familiarity with Muggle London he found the place rather easily, in a relatively quiet street with a few houses, two groceries, a bakery and a pub, the _Thames_. It turned out he was expected, Professor Shoolbred had made a _call _to place a reservation. Phones were something he still had trouble understanding.

After two and a half months of living at _Bed & Breakfast_ and working at a school Dumbledore had referred him to under the name of Steve Snook, he was fairly sure the Muggle world held no more surprises. Teachers were underpaid, rent was overpriced, room neighbours were over noisy, landladies were overfriendly and students were overconfident. There was one of his room neighbours, one William Prescott who had refused to be intimidated by his distant attitude and who had grown to be something more than an acquaintance, if less than a friend. He had moved to London from another town - Severus' memory refused to burden itself with which - and was staying there as a temporary arrangement while he searched for a house. It made Severus feel almost jealous, the possibility of a house and its accompanying privacy. But, alas, it was something he could not afford on his salary, and anything he couldn't have, he didn't need.

Time went buy until he awoke to what it seemed like yet another uneventful Thursday. He was feeling somewhat depressed when he left the school that afternoon and wanted nothing more than to have a warm bath and a good night's sleep. Not that he actually believed he would get the first one, he'd already had a shower that morning and bath water was limited at the _Bed_, but one could hope. What he didn't know was that he wouldn't get the latter either.

Shortly after dinner he rose to go to his room. He had no patience for idle chit-chat or for sitting like the rest of them lambs in adoration of the TV-thing. When he was reaching the top of the stairs he nearly bumped into a neatly dressed William.

"Steve, old chap, I've been meaning to talk to you!" he said cheerfully. Severus arched an eyebrow, not sure what was more outrageous, being called 'old' or 'chap'. The other man, however, took it as a sign to continue. "You see, there's this bloke, Jack Cohen, and he's a good friend of mine, and I sort of promised I'd go to the birthday party of this friend of his he wants me to meet."

"And? I fail to see what this has to do with me."

"You would, wouldn't you, I haven't finished talking yet! Well, it seems this woman said bring anyone you like, so I thought it the perfect opportunity for you to get out of that funeral type clothing you're so fond of and celebrate something. She's supposed to be something else." At this William winked and Severus nearly fell down the stairs in shock. Surely he couldn't be hearing this, this person trying to set him up with a woman, now, could he?

"I will dismiss this little conversation as a result of something you ate or drank, William, and fervently hope you feel better in the morning and have regained the full use of your somewhat dimmed senses. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get some much-deserved rest. After a day of students I get you. Honestly!"

William had only laughed and gone after him to try to convince him, saying the party was at the _Thames_ and that he could leave whenever he wanted to, etc, etc, etc. Severus would never know in years how William had managed to talk him into it but, in the end, and after the promise he would never again be forced to attend any other party, he had grudgingly accepted, albeit refusing to get out of his 'funeral type clothing'. It exasperated him to no end to have to give in to the other man, but he wouldn't shut up, and Severus decided it was better to sit for five minutes with the creature he was supposed to be meeting than to listen to William's blabbering outside his door for the rest of the night. It was so much easier with students, he thought, sighing mentally, at least they were quickly intimidated into submission. 

He wouldn't have resisted had he known how much that night would alter his life.

----

They arrived at the _Thames_ a little more than fashionably late. Severus thought it all for the best. The bar was dimly lit in a pleasant sort of way; it had small, low, round tables, a huge counter that occupied an entire corner and a small stage that suggested sometimes there was live music for entertainment. Such was not the case that night.

The contrast between the two men couldn't have been deeper. William had brown, short, neatly cut hair, hazel brown eyes and wore blue jeans with a light blue sports shirt. Severus, on the other hand, hadn't changed his haircut, and neither had he given up his preference for black: he wore black trousers and a black, long-sleeved shirt, buttoned all the way to the top.

His eyes quickly scanned the "crowd" of about fifteen people that had taken over three of the small tables, searching for the creature to congratulate. He didn't even know her name, although he suspected that would be provided for shortly. There was no birthday cake on the table, so he couldn't identify her by it, and there were about six women. Before he had a chance to really look at them, though, one of the men got up and called out to William. He seemed almost misplaced among the other guests, in his three-piece suit and tie.

"Will, we were beginning to think you wouldn't make it! I was giving you another twenty minutes before going to get you at that Bed & Breakfast, even if it meant dragging you out of bed!"

Severus winced inwardly at the clear intrusion in privacy these men talked of so casually. If someone talked about dragging _him_ out of bed, no matter how jokingly, he felt murder would be an option.

"Nah, I wouldn't miss it for the world! Just had some trouble convincing Steve over here! Jack Cohen, Steve Snook."

The other man extended a hand that Severus shook out of obligation rather than friendliness, and proceeded with the presentations. After he was finished it became clear that the creature wasn't there; she had, according to what he'd been told, gone to fetch the cake from the fridge, so he sat, reassuring himself that he would leave as soon as he got to say happy birthday. Then he saw her.

The woman at the entrance holding the cake couldn't have been older than 23. (She was, as he discovered shortly after, actually just turning 19). She had bright blue eyes and black, raven like hair that framed her face perfectly as it fell past her shoulders. Her dress was the same colour of her eyes, and only seemed to bring them out more. It was tight fitting until shortly below her breasts, after which it fell loosely, ending slightly above her knees. Her sleeves followed the same pattern, beginning to loosen only at the elbow. He thought she was, indeed, a sight for sore eyes. And God knew his were sore enough...

"At last, Mel, I was beginning to think you'd let us all get drunk on an empty stomach!" Cried Jack, mockingly. She gave him such a radiant smile Severus thought they had something going on, until he realised that was her usual smile.

"No, the food's here, you monsters!"

Monster. How appropriate. If only she knew.

She set the cake on the table and Jack decided it was time to introduce them. "Mel, this is Will, the friend I've been telling you about."

"Well, hi at last, Will, you wouldn't believe how much I've heard about you."

"Oh, lets see, if it's about half as much as I've heard about you, I'd say I have a pretty good idea. Happy Birthday!"

As they were laughing, discomfort once again settled in Severus' heart and he cursed himself for his stupidity. How could he have been convinced into coming? He was a stranger here, and had nothing to say, no titbit of common history to share. He wasn't even a friend's friend, he was, at best, friend's friend's friend. How could one trust in something that even grammatically seemed illogical? His musing was interrupted by Jack's voice

"And this is Steve, he's a friend of Will's."

"Steve Snook" he mumbled, extending his hand "Happy Birthday!"

"Melanie Winters. My friends usually call me Mel, you can call me whatever you'd like." was the cheerful reply as she ignored his hand and kissed him soundly on the cheeks.

"I didn't... bring you a present." He hadn't really worried about it before, but now, for some reason, it was bothering him plenty.

"Oh, don't worry about _that_. I'm just glad you could make it. Besides, if I well know Jack, he must have told Will about, what, two hours ago?" She spun her head to look inquiringly at Jack, who nodded, looking somewhat embarrassed. "So, if you came with Will, you didn't even have time to think about that! Really, don't let that get to you! This Jack" she shook her head affectionately "the way he forgets things, nobody would say he is a lawyer."

"I don't forget work things!" was the mockingly shocked reply reply.

"Oh, sorry, of course not, you only forget friend's birthdays!"

"And I didn't forget your birthday. I'm here, aren't I?"

"How could you forget, when I've been reminding it to you about twice a day for the past week?" But there was no resentment in her tone and, hearing them laugh, Severus had a flash of what it would be like to truly belong to a group like that. Then it was gone and they settled to sing Happy Birthday and eat the cake.

As the night progressed, he found her more and more interesting. He had thought someone so young would have a short span of attention and limited subjects to talk about, but then Jack told them in a conspiratorial tone that she was what people called "gifted" and he understood why he had been mistaken. She had already finished college at her age, had a full time job doing exactly what she liked and was studying to learn other subjects as well, but Jack warned them both not to bring it up, she hated being seen as a rarity instead of a regular person. Severus thought she would change her mind after she'd met a few more "regular people".

Then the bar closed for the night, most of the people went home and it was only the four of them. Considering he'd planned on leaving right after "Happy Birthday", he was remarkably reluctant to do so, and accepted without thinking when she invited them to go to her house, that turned out to be just across the street.

They talked until it was morning and time for him to go to school. They had even managed to discuss chemistry. Severus had never once had a feeling of belonging like the one he felt with her. It pained him to leave behind what had been the best night of his life, and it occurred to him as he signalled the bus that would lead him to school that Dumbledore had been right all along. Practical knowledge had nothing to do with abstract one and, if that was a glimpse of what the Muggle world had to offer, then he had clearly underestimated it. 

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Thanks a million to my reviewers, you have no idea what it means to me to know someone liked what I wrote. :D Thank you Isis, Cassandra Greenleaf, Sapphire and Kylesmom


	3. Surprises

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Melanie, Jack and Will.) and am not making a profit out of this. Every-wonderful-thing else belongs to J. K. Rowling.

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**All That Glitters...**

**Chapter Two**

**Surprises**

Severus had hoped he'd get to see more of Melanie, maybe through Will, but, after a week, his hopes were fading rapidly. Then something happened that made it seem completely unimportant: Mrs Boulstridge informed him, along with the rest of the guests, that there was to be an increase in the already outrageous value she charged for the rooms, and he wasn't quite sure how he would afford it. Of course Dumbledore had made it clear that he didn't need to stay at the _Bed_, but he wasn't exactly suited for going out and looking for something else. In the end, though, he decided he would start by cutting his expenses on food while he searched for another place and became a regular client of the grocery around the corner. It was far less expensive than eating at the _Bed_, but it also meant his nourishment now depended almost completely on sandwiches and other cold food, since he didn't have a kitchen. Then, one Saturday morning, when he was buying some fruit at the grocery, the unexpected happened. He ran into Melanie.

"Steve! Hi, how're you doin'?" She seemed positively delighted to see him and, although knowing she was just being her usual charming self, he couldn't help but smile.

"Grocery shopping?" She laughed. "Somehow I didn't see you as the cooking type!"

"It is not a matter of choice. That outrageous woman raised the prices again. Will is moving out at the end of the month, actually, and I think I'll follow his lead as soon as I find a better place. But I do enjoy cooking, when I have a kitchen. Matters being as they are, I find myself reduced to sandwiches and the likes."

She laughed again. "And I have a kitchen I hardly ever use. Ironic. You have to come over and cook something for me, one of these days, I'll provide the facilities and the ingredients and you provide the manpower."

Before he even knew he would be doing it, Severus heard himself say "Certainly, when would you like me to?" This woman seemed to have an uncanny ability to make him do all sorts of strange things. Why would he even ask such a thing when he knew she'd only been joking?

"Well, if you're doing nothing better, now would be a good time as any."

"Now?" So she did mean it.

"Well, if you have other plans-"

"No, no, now would be fine. What are we having?" He didn't stop to think how awkward it was that he was being so open. If he _had _stopped to think, he might have believed someone had him under a subtler version of the Imperius curse.

"You're the cook, you tell me."

And so it was that he found himself in her kitchen, feeling more relaxed than he had in years (with the possible exception of the night of her birthday). 

She spent quite some time with him in the kitchen, trying to explain to him what it was she worked on, but it was too confusing. Something about her designing games for a strange machine she called a computer that had several similarities with the TV-thing. Seeing his puzzled look, and after nearly two hours of trying, she gave up with a clear laughter.

"OK, I give up. I think I can safely deduce you're not the technology type. I wouldn't worry about it too much, though," she continued, taking a forkful of his _spaghetti carbonara_ "you still have a brilliant cooking career ahead of you, this is positively delicious!"

He watched in amazement as she filled two plates, setting them on the living room table and then selecting a deep red wine to go along. Brilliant, beautiful, energetic _and_ funny. What a combination! 

Morning turned to afternoon and, when night came, it found him still sitting on her sofa. She had gone to the kitchen to heat up the remains of their lunch so they could have it for dinner, and called out, cheerfully.

"Do you think you could play that tape there on the table? The stereo is by the window!"

She might as well have been talking Japanese, for all he understood.

"That what on where? I have no clue as to what you're talking about." he replied, yelling so that she could hear. Still he rose over to the window, trying to figure out what the stereo-thing was and considering he might have used some more time under Professor Shoolbred's tutoring.

"You don't know what a stereo is?" she yelled back. "You must come from a sad world indeed!"

"I do," he thought to himself, "I come from a world without you."

"What did you say?" asked a voice right behind him. He jerked violently. He hadn't known she'd left the kitchen and, most of all, he hadn't realised he was speaking aloud.

"Nothing, I... I'm sorry, it's late, I'd better go."

"You're sorry. For what you just said? Why would you be sorry for making me feel special?"

Her words were rewarded by an astonished look. Severus Snape was known by many things, but making young women, especially beautiful, bright ones feel special was not one of them. Being surprised beyond words wasn't one either. She smiled then, a warm smile that touched her eyes.

"Don't look so surprised, it's not like people say the kind of thing you just did all the time. In fact, I think it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Do you really have to go right away? Dinner's on the table..."

Still not knowing what to say, he sat down and waited for her to do the same before he started eating. They didn't exchange another word until the end of dinner but, by then, the tension seemed to have worn off. Melanie put the dishes in the sink and came back with some fruit and some cheese.

"I can't remember the last time I had anything so wonderful, you have to come and cook more often!"

"Whenever you want me to, for as long as I live across the street. I don't know where I'll end up afterwards, but I doubt it will be near here..." The more he thought about it, the more he felt he could go by on sandwiches for the rest of his life. It was physically painful to think of moving away from her.

"Are you going to try and find another Bed & Breakfast, or are you following in Will's footsteps?"

"Another Bed & Breakfast, I'm afraid. But it might be a long time until I move, I'm rather unequipped for dealing with prices and landladies."

"She seemed to consider this for a while, and then said, somewhat tentatively.

"Have you thought about sharing a house with someone?"

"A house? You mean with Will? Oh, no, he definitely wants it all for himself. And he's too boisterous to live with." _Plus you could never afford one, Severus, but you're too damn proud to say that in front of her_.

"Well, I..." she seemed to be having some difficulty conveying her thoughts into words. "I wasn't exactly thinking of Will."

He raised a questioning eyebrow and she continued. "I was thinking of here. I have a spare room we could fix for you, and I've been thinking of getting a housemate for some time now. You don't have to answer now, just... think about it."

An unknown force seemed to grip his heart painfully. Living with her would have been wonderful, if only he could afford it. But he couldn't, and he was on the verge of being forced to admit it.

"No, it's not a good idea, really, I thank you for it, but..." He paused. Was it disappointment he was reading in her eyes? Surely he was mistaken, and yet... For once he decided he wouldn't hurt someone else just to protect his feelings. "The truth of the matter is, Melanie, I could never afford it." He said this quietly, ashamed.

"Of course you could, I'm not Mrs. Boulstridge!" She told him a number and he was surprised to discover it was far less than what he paid at the _Bed_. Still, he didn't want to be a charity case.

"I may not know much about prices, but I do know what you're proposing is hardly fair. I do not need charity." His voice was somewhat colder than he'd intended, and she sounded a bit hurt.

"It's not a matter of charity. I simply thought it might be pleasant for the both of us, excuse me for enjoying your company. Forget I even mentioned it." She moved to rise, but he grabbed her sleeve in an awkward way. One more thing he wouldn't have done if he had thought it over.

"I didn't mean to offend you. I would love to live here, I truly would." He hadn't been planning on being so honest either, but it was too late now. "I just don't think it fair."

She seemed to soften a bit at that and sat back down.

"Well, if you think it's so unfair, you could top it with some cooking every now and then. It's not charity, I just don't like to think I'm about to lose what seems to be revealing a really good friend over to distance... It's not charity."

"Look, Melanie, I..." before he realised what had happened he had already said "I would love to. When could I move?" Well, he couldn't take it back now, could he?

She smiled once more. God, he was beginning to love that smile.

"Well, that depends on how long we take fixing your bedroom, one, maybe two months if we dedicate it a day each weekend. Or, you could move in at the end of the month and we'd work on it a bit each day, but you'd have to sleep on the sofa in the meantime. It's not all that private..."

He could hardly believe his luck. Sharing a house with her, and for a convenient price as well. He could be sleeping on the balcony for all he cared.

"The end of the month it is, then."

----

The first weeks of their arrangement went along perfectly. Melanie was positively brilliant, and they could talk well into the night, which was one of the reasons they hadn't begun working on his bedroom yet. He just always seemed to think they could do it tomorrow, if it meant he could sit with her by the fire, tea mug in hand, discussing all sorts of subjects, from pancakes to human rights. It was still hard for him to believe that this beautiful intelligent young woman enjoyed his company, that she called him a friend. Sometimes, when they weren't talking, just peacefully gazing into the flames, he would feel an irresistible urge to hold her close; he still hadn't forgotten what she had said about making her feel special. But still, he knew all too well where the boundaries lay, and he would never cross them, never risk losing his friend... besides, the rejection would hurt too much. 

He took advantage of the school's laboratory every Friday to create himself a week's worth of Potion for Dreamless Sleep. He made it regular those days, there was no need for it to be any stronger. Then, one Friday afternoon, it all went wrong. First, he father of one of his students held him up after the last class to enquire about his son's behaviour. Then, the Headmaster wanted to congratulate him personally on his progress with such a difficult class and, by the time he managed to disentangle himself from him, it was too late: the lab was already closed for the weekend, and nothing short of Alohomorra would open it before then. With a sigh, Severus turned and left. He had promised Dumbledore he would live as a Muggle, and as a Muggle he would live; the Potion for Dreamless Sleep was the only concession he had requested, and he wasn't about to break his word to the only man he truly respected. Maybe he could get home before Melanie and make an impromptu lab in the kitchen... Once again, his prayers went unanswered - Melanie was already home and had no intention to leave. He wondered how he would go through two nights without his potion and considered asking her for Muggle sleeping pills, but decided against it; he knew their composition well enough to know that a safe dose would have no effect whatsoever.

That night as they sat by the fireplace Severus was holding a mug filled with coffee instead of tea. If he couldn't fight the nightmares with a potion, he would fight them by not sleeping at all, but he was surely not about to let Melanie see it could be a nuisance having him living with her. Since it was Friday, they were both carefree about the time, and his resolve to remain awake was double-crossed around four in the morning by the weight of a week's work combined with the relaxing bath he'd taken before dinner.

He was dimly aware of her murmuring, sometime later "Steve, Steve I need to get you into bed, you can't sleep on the floor, help me out here."

"Mmmmm" was the only answer he gave her, but at least he became cooperative and allowed her to support him over to the sofa. He fell soundly asleep again the instant his body touched the sheets.

----

Severus was standing by the Thames, watching as the last rays of sunlight faded from view. The sky was a lovely goldish orange and a cool end-of-Summer breeze was touching his face, almost like a caress. A few moments later and along with the breeze came a huge green caterpillar-shaped balloon. Without thinking he grabbed the string and heard a little girl's voice.

"Hey Mr.! Thanks for catching my balloon! Can I have it back?"

He looked down to a girl who couldn't have been older than five, with huge green eyes and bright orange hair. She was giving him the biggest smile he had ever seen and, returning her the balloon, he couldn't help but smile back.

He was still smiling into her eyes when reality seemed to swirl around him, and he was suddenly staring at those same eyes, but there was something terribly wrong: they no longer had any life left. Then a cruel, high pitch laughter behind him, and Voldemort telling him how they had rid the world of yet another piece of Muggle scum, and Severus could only stare at her lifeless body thinking that somehow he could have prevented it and didn't, guilt coursing through his entire body. He had never once considered small children to be part of the Muggle/Wizard distinction. And then he saw Melanie's face, and she was dead as well, and still the cruel laughter ringing in his ears... He screamed and screamed, and still the pain in his soul wouldn't go away. Someone kept shaking him hard and he grabbed the person's wrists in anger, still looking at Melanie's face...

And, after a while, he finally realised the wrists he was grabbing were hers as well, and that she was pretty much alive. He let her go quickly, his heart a turmoil of emotions, the strongest of which a deep relief.

"I'm... sorry" he said, with some effort. He had woken her up, he had bothered her during her sleep, and then he had grabbed her, probably hurt her... she was going to tell him to go... The thought pained him beyond words.

She opened her mouth to speak but he lifted a finger to her lips and asked, in an unsure voice. "I'm so sorry I woke you, I swear it won't happen again... Are you sending me away?"

He looked up at her face in the moonlight, half expecting half dreading her answer... and then she caught him completely off guard: she held him close to her and started caressing his hair.

"Sshhh, no one's sending you away, it doesn't matter that you woke me... you're safe, it's ok... No one's sending you anywhere..."

His body went rigid with surprise. She was actually holding him, this wonderful woman was holding him tight, touching him, making him feel safe, welcome, cared for.

"You're not... sending me away..." Not quite a question, not really a statement.

"No, of course not! You just had a bad dream, that's all."

"Melanie, I... how can I thank you?" Maybe he was still sleepy, or maybe he was just tired of always keeping his defences up, because, for once, his feelings were all laid bare on his voice, and he was making no effort to conceal them. Fear, anxiousness, gratitude... exposed as if he were an open book. "What can I do, what can I do to thank you?"

She held him at an arm's length to be able to look into his eyes, as if trying to read them. Then she took his face on both hands, pressed her forehead to his and whispered, gently stroking his cheek "There's nothing to thank for, what are you saying? It's ok, it's ok, you're ok... you're ok..." 

A lump was beginning to form in his throat, and her nearness was maddening. He could feel her breath on his face, warm as was everything about her, and wondered just how long it would take for her to slap him if he dared kissing her... even if it took but a second, it would be a second's worth of priceless memory for him to cherish... _Don't be such a damned fool_ he scolded himself, _you will lose your only friend. Plus, how well do you think you'll feel after she stops being the only woman who never looked at you in disgust? How's that for a memory?_

Seemingly oblivious to his struggle she raised her head slightly and pressed her lips to his forehead in a soft kiss, then proceeded to kiss both of his eyelids, his cheeks...

And his self control snapped. He lifted a hand to hold the back of her head and pulled her mouth down onto his as if his life depended on it, in a desesperate, starving, bruising kiss. For those few moments he could think of nothing but her lips, her smell, the feel of her soft hair under his fingers. Then logic returned to him and he broke away, his breathing ragged and uneven. He sat bolt upright, nearly making her fall. His head slumped to his hands.

"Oh, no," he said, panic in his voice, "what have I done? I didn't mean to..." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.

"You didn't mean to? You sure as hell could have fooled me!"

"No, that's not what I mean, I mean, I meant to but didn't mean to, I..." Now he was feeling like a blabbering fool. "I'm sorry", he finally managed to say, calming himself down. "It seems I have acquired a talent for screwing up."

"You're sorry?"

"Yes."

"That's too bad. I'm not."

"What?!?" was the bewildered reply. His head shot up to give her an astonished glance.

"I'm not. I rather enjoyed it, actually."

He didn't know what to think. He had been so sure she would turn him away and now this. And all he wanted was to kiss her again, to hold her as close as he could, but the thought of her wanting him was so absurd that it refused to sink in. And yet she hadn't implied it, she'd said it aloud, every word of it.

A long silence ensued while they held each other's eyes, Severus trying to rationalise her words. Finally he spoke, his voice once again unsure.

"Enjoyed it? I thought... You... I... We..."

"There are times," she whispered, leaning closer, her hand back on his cheek, "when silence can be far more eloquent than words."

Severus couldn't tell if he was awake or dreaming, but he quite honestly didn't care. He leaned forward to meet her and, as their lips touched again, felt that he must surely be dreaming. He would worry about that when he woke up; now was a time to relish.

Her other hand slid to his chest, unbuttoning the pyjama jacket, slowly tracing the contour of his lean chest along the way. Then her mouth followed where her hand had been, kissing every piece of exposed flesh gently but firmly. He closed his eyes, giving himself completely to that unfamiliar feeling of being cared for. He didn't do anything, however, because he didn't know how far she wanted to go. As if answering his thoughts, she removed her nightgown and underwear, revealing her naked body. He couldn't help but gasp as she returned to caressing him. The sight of her was awe-inspiring. She was beautiful, intelligent and, impossible as it seemed, was his for the night. At that moment, with her touching him so tenderly, he felt he would gladly die for her. Well, not that that meant much, he mused, his life had not exactly been something he considered precious, and yet... and yet more importantly than dying for her, she made him feel it was worth living for her. Yes, that was exactly it. He would gladly live for her. 

Even realising his words wouldn't do her justice, he couldn't help but murmur "You're amazing, so very amazing..."

Melanie looked at him with something like tenderness in her eyes, and she caressed his cheek again. His eyes were fixed on her as he tried to capture her image to remember when loneliness came knocking again at his door. And it most certainly would in the morning.

Returning to more present concerns, he realised he didn't know what to do. He'd never been with a woman who wanted him before... not that he had ever raped anyone, no, if there was one thing he refused to do while he was with the Death Eaters it was rape. He knew fully well he was repulsive, but he wouldn't go as low as to force himself on another... of course, paying for it was a different matter entirely. He had spent quite some money on professional relief over the years. It always somehow managed to make him feel even dirtier, the way he knew the price was raised because it was his obnoxious self, their cold, detached, professional approach... 'Lay down and don't move.' '_Don't_ touch me.' 'No, you don't need to remove your shirt. You don't need to do that to fuck, do you?' 'Stay still.'. Well, he supposed it was better than having remained a virgin. Still, now he was at a complete loss. He'd never been touched and she was touching him fully, so maybe that meant it was alright for him to touch her, he so much wanted to... but what if it wasn't? What if he managed to ruin this one chance, probably the only chance he would ever have to make love? Because he knew now, with absolute certainty, that he loved her, no matter what she would think of him in the morning. He brushed that thought aside. He didn't want to think that she was only doing this because she wanted sex and he was the only available candidate at the moment.

Once again seemingly reading his thoughts, she reached up for his hand and guided him, showing him what she wanted. With that worry gone Severus relaxed completely, his mind a total blank, focusing on Melanie alone, and he let himself go.

----

The next morning when he awoke she was still sleeping, her head resting on his chest, her right arm rounding him in a near hug. She was warm against him, and so beautiful in the morning sun that his heart ached. Slowly he relived the events of the previous night, savouring each moment. Almost as if possessed of its own free will his hand came to rest on her hair in a soft caress. He closed his eyes again, willing time to stop. If they could remain this way, suspended in time, then he wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their time together... he shuddered just to think about it. Surely she wouldn't want him around after that, always staring at her with starving eyes - not that he would, but she was bound to think it after the way he'd revealed himself lonely. It was near the end of the month, a very good time to tell him to leave, and, besides, she didn't exactly need the money he paid her for the room...

Suddenly he didn't want to be there when she woke up. He got up as stealthily as he could and, after a quick stop in the bathroom to wash himself, got dressed and left, slamming the door.

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Sorry for taking so long to upload, I had most of this chapter already written, but the POV kept shifting between Snape and Melanie, and, since these are his memories, it wouldn't do to have him aware of her thoughts.

Thank you once again to everyone who reviewed, you make me happier than you know.

Polgara: I actually didn't know James had had Harry at 21, I had worked the chronology backwards from the Philosopher's Stone and figured Voldemort's first fall to have been around 1987, but thought the Marauder's and Snape's ages were somewhat undefined. I made Snape's birthday to be on 13.07.1960 (I sort of like the meaning of putting both 13 and 7 on a wizard's birth date), thus making him 27 at this time and 40 by GoF. If you, or anyone else know the correct birthdays, please say something and I'll be more than happy to work around it.

I reloaded Chapter One, found a couple of mistakes there (that's what I get for writing fan fiction at four o'clock in the morning!).


	4. Consequences, and Some More Surprises

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Melanie, Jack and Will) and am not making a profit out of this. Every-wonderful-thing else belongs to J. K. Rowling.

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**All That Glitters...**

**Chapter Three**

**Consequences, and Some More Surprises**

Severus could barely believe his stupidity. How could he have allowed that to happen? How? How could he have slept with her, how? The morning sun contrasted heavily with his frame of mind. Even Nature had awoken in a good mood. What a bloody perfect day!

_Bloody, bloody idiot. You should have known better. Damn you, fool, hasn't life already taught you that you're better off not knowing what you're missing out on? Now you'll never be able to settle for anything less, and you know where that'll leave you? With nothing at all. As was always. **You should have known better**. Pitiful fool. Why didn't you stop her when you had the chance? Why did you initiate it in the first place? Did you really believe that having a single memory would be better than ignorance? Ignorance is bliss. You should have known better. Now what will you do? At least show some backbone, collect your things and walk away. Oh it hurts, does it? Well you got what you asked for. You should have known better. Or have you lost even your pride? Have you fallen so low that you would go back and grovel for a pity fuck? And how would you do that? Ask please? Pretty please? It's not like you have anything to offer in return. Despicable wreck. You should have known better. How she ever saw anything worthy in you, I wonder. How she ever considered you her friend? And now it's over. The end. Through. _Finito. _Gone. You managed to ruin this, like you managed to ruin everything else in your life. Useless bum. You should have known better. Worthless, miserable excuse for a human being. Sorry bastard. Literally, I might add. So now you know what love feels like. I hope you're satisfied. You should have known better. Go cry it off in a hidden corner like a two year-old. You should have known better. It's your own fault. Pathetic loser. You should have known better. You. Should. Have. Known. Better._

He attacked himself more viciously than he ever had or ever would anyone else, until his mind had ran out of words. Only then did he realise he had gone no further than her building doorway. He hurried over to the _Bed_, thinking he could perhaps have the breakfast without the bed. A few tea gulps latter and his mind had finally cleared. He knew exactly what to do. He had purposefully chosen a seat near the window so he could spot her when she left the flat. He didn't need much time to pack and go. He would at least walk away with his pride intact, if not his soul. 

_Your soul? How lovely! Do you really believe you had one to begin with? My, my, you _are_ quite the joke, aren't you?_

Luckily for him his second self-lashing was cut short by Melanie exiting the building. He tried to read her behaviour but found he couldn't, so he just stared at her retreating back. Not even realising it, he lifted his open palm to the window and mouthed a silent 'I love you'. Words he was certain he would never be able to say to her face. Face he was certain he would never see again. He reached out to her in his mind, wordlessly beckoning her to turn around for him to look at her one last time, but she didn't hear his plea. Soon she was out of sight and out of his life.

He left enough coins on the table to pay for his half drunken tea and headed back to the apartment. He looked at it as if for the first time. The door opened directly into the huge living room where he had been sleeping for almost a month. There was a big, beautiful fireplace that would have fitted perfectly in any proper wizarding home. They had spent so many pleasant nights by the fire, sitting on a rectangular white rug in front of it that Melanie was extremely fond of... He could have had it longer, if only he hadn't screwed everything up. He started gathering his things, haphazardly throwing them into his bag. The noon sun was flooding the room, coming in through the completely glass balcony. Only its floor was made of stone, and he had marvelled at it repeatedly on moonlit nights, but, during the day, especially that day, it only added to his mood. He so wished the sun would go away!

Severus was so immersed in his own thoughts of self-hatred that he never heard the lock turn, he never sensed Melanie entering until she spoke.

"You're packing? You were leaving without a word?"

He started, surprised. "I simply thought it would be easier for the both of us." He didn't turn to face her, instead keeping packing as if the world would end. "What was the point of a long and most likely awkward conversation when I could simply skip to the end result? There really isn't much to say between us." His voice was flat, expressionless, seemingly devoid of emotion.

"There isn't much to say... I can live with that." Her tone matched his. The pain it caused him was almost unbearable. That was what he had been trying so hard to avoid with his decision, but there was no escaping it now. Last night had meant nothing to her. Even their friendship was nothing but a memory.

"There is only one minor detail you seem to be forgetting. Where will you sleep?"

"Don't worry, I'll manage." _Anywhere but here_.

"You paid me for a full month. The month is not over yet."

"That is hardly relevant."

"It is for me. You'll be forcing me to see how much each day is worth individually and repay you for these four days. That's a bit more work than I cared to have."

"I don't want the money."

"I have to give it to you nevertheless. I'm no thief."

"Fine. I'll do the mathematics myself then."

"And what makes you think it would come in handy for me to return it to you at this point? You would make both of our lives far easier if you just stayed. I wouldn't have to return anything and you would have at least a few days to look for another place."

She had him trapped. He knew he couldn't really afford anything before his pay check arrived, and she had organized the set so as to seem it was a mutual benefit rather than a favour to him. He was partly thankful for it, knowing he would have a roof over his head. His pride refused to let him go knocking on Dumbledore's door before the arranged period of time.

"Very well then, if it is also more convenient to you..." He stopped packing.

"It is."

He had an irrepressible urge to turn around, to look into her face, her eyes but, by the time he gave in to it, she had already gone to the kitchen, a grocery bag in her hand. So that was where she had gone to, no wonder it had taken so little time for her to come back. He should have guessed it.

----

That day, and for the very first time, Severus wished fervently that they had gotten around to fixing his bedroom. He badly needed the privacy, he was feeling exposed. Fortunately Melanie spent most of the day quietly working on her new game and he wasn't forced to make small talk. God only knew he had even less inclination for it than usual. He was spared yet another awkward moment when Will and Jack showed up for dinner. He could only feel grateful that he had not had to choose between eating alone (which he never did) or with Melanie in heavy silence. After the first rush of gratitude, however, jealousy began to set in, like a poisonous sting in his heart. It seemed she was smiling more to Jack than usual. Was she trying to capture the lawyer's attention, or was it just that she couldn't hide her happiness and relief at his own imminent departure? She didn't waste anytime, did she?

They left relatively early for a Saturday, and Melanie retreated to her room almost immediately, leaving the former Death Eater to review the past twenty-four hours once more.

If the previous night had found him struggling to remain awake, this one found him unable to sleep if his life depended on it. Most of his hatred was directed towards Jack; Melanie he couldn't hate, regardless of how much he tried. But Jack... oh, yes, Jack was to blame. Always finding something to make her laugh, sharing with her a complicity that he never had. He had known her for three or four years, but he had to wait until Severus had fallen in love with her to make his move, the treacherous bastard.

Severus' judgement was too clouded with jealousy and pain at that time for him to realise that neither Jack had made any "move" towards Melanie nor had Melanie acted any differently than she usually did, so he lost himself in thoughts of what he would like to do to the other man. A few hours later and wish had grown to intention. He would kill Jack, in the most painful way, he would use the Cruciatus on him until he begged for death, he would... He caught himself in time. Oh, how wrong Dumbledore had been! There was no good left in him, he was nothing but a murderer. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. He could stay in her house no longer.

It was with heavy heart that he resumed his packing. Most of it he had already done and, within ten minutes, he was fully clothed and ready to go. 

As he was opening the door, her words came back to him. _You were leaving without a word?_ No. He would not leave like a thief in the night. He would at least inform her that he was leaving, take the chance to look at her once more.

Gathering his courage, Severus knocked on her bedroom door and called, in a hoarse voice.

"Melanie. Are you awake?"

"Yes, what is it?" Her voice was uncharacteristically cold but surprisingly clear, as if she had never gotten around to falling asleep. His hand trembled as he opened the door. The room was in such darkness he couldn't even see her face. Maybe it was for the best. He walked tentatively into the bedroom.

"I just wanted you to know I'm leaving. And, please, just do as you will with the money, I don't really care. I'm perfectly aware you do not need it, but I do not want it. I have already packed." He felt he should say something more, but what? 'Goodbye'? 'Have a nice life'? No, there was nothing more to say. He turned around and made to leave, picking up his bag as he passed by the sofa. _That_ sofa. Where he had had her, a lifetime ago. He was just setting his keys on the table when she spoke, right behind him.

"Coward."

"Excuse me?" He turned to face her. He could see her now, with the moonlight flooding the living room, but it was no help. Her expression was unreadable.

"Coward. You can't handle a simple fuck so you just walk away."

"Melanie, don't do this." 

"Why not, can't you take the truth? And to think we used to be friends."

"Melanie, don't!" His tone was dangerous now, but she didn't seem to notice

"What was the problem, eh? Didn't you like it? Wasn't it good enough for you?"

"Melanie, shut up." 

"You didn't seem to think so at the time!"

"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" The whole of the building was probably awake by now, but he was past the point of caring. She had pushed him over the edge. She opened her mouth to speak again, but he wouldn't listen anymore. "I said shut up!"

He moved towards her, almost menacingly, and she backed away until her back were to the wall.

"What is it you want? Why can't you let me be?" He was shaking her by the shoulders now, unable to feel anything other than anger. To have someone so utterly destroy his self-control and then to be denied escape enraged him. "It's half past three in the bloody morning, why can't you just go to bed and sleep? What is it that makes you take pleasure in this useless exercise? Questioning, and accusing, as if I had to answer to you? Go to bed, woman!"

"Because I don't want you to go." came the simple reply. His fury melted away instantly, replaced by disbelief. He let go of her shoulders and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn't see her face again because of some big cloud that was hiding the moon.

"Because you what?!?"

"I don't want you to go. Is it such a crime? I don't even understand why you're going!" 

Why _was_ he going, anyway? If she had asked that question a few hours before, and having told him she wanted him to stay, he probably would have found no answer and stayed. But he had an answer now. Because he couldn't be trusted to be around her. Because he was dangerous, because he was a murderer still.

"I'm going because I have to. It's as simple as that." Once more he tried to turn on his heels, but she grabbed his arm and made him turn back.

"No, you don't. The only reason I've been bothering you is to tell you to stay, but I won't bother you apart from that. Don't think last night was a situation I can't handle, I-" He cut her off.

"That's not it, Melanie."

"Then, what?"

Since he was leaving, anyway, he ended up deciding half a truth would serve his cause better than any lie. "I'm dangerous, Melanie, that's why."

"Dangerous? You're not 'dangerous', Steve, don't give me that! Don't I at least deserve the truth?" 

"That IS the truth, damn it! I AM dangerous, especially so to you!" The moon finally reappeared and he could see her again, closer to him than he had thought at first, dressed in the very same nightgown. Thoughts of the previous night made his body react, and his lust-clouded brain was telling him that the only way to make her believe him was to make her fear him just a bit. Make her fear him and, at the same time, take just one more memory with him. He kissed her hard, aware that she had nowhere to back to, and his hands slid through her entire body in desesperation, trying to absorb the feel of her. A very small part of him knew he was being rough, but he ignored it. After all, he would be gone in a few minutes. He grabbed one of her breasts - clutched would have been a better description - and pressed himself to her, never letting go of her mouth. A wild thought occurred to him, if he could just make love to her one more time, and it was what made him break away. He truly was dangerous.

"You see?" He asked, in a voice that could barely be recognized as his own. "I am dangerous. I nearly forced myself on you just now. It's not about you, it's about me. I'm the one who can't handle last night. It was too much, and now I cannot be here and settle for less. Don't worry, I will not comeback."

She took his hand gently in hers and shook her head. "No, _you_ shouldn't worry. You wouldn't have forced me, you can be sure of that."

For a few seconds he was too amazed to reply. How could she think that after he had nearly... It hadn't been just to scare her, a second more and control would have abandoned him completely...

"Don't be stubborn, woman! Do you believe this was merely a display for your benefit? I am telling you now, I _did _nearly force you!"

"I don't know where you bought your dictionary, Steve" she said, softly, "but mine clearly states that for someone to be forced they have to be unwilling in the first place."

He stood very still as the implication sank in, and began realising that she hadn't tried to push him back, not once. Maybe he still could have her one last time.

"You... wanted me... again?"

"Why did you leave this morning the way you did?"

"Because I didn't want to hear you saying it had been a mistake." The words were out before he could repress them. Her head jerked up to look at him more clearly.

"What am I to you then? What would you have had me say?" Her voice was still unbelievably soft.

"For the sake of everything you hold sacred, Melanie, don't make me answer that. Just let me walk." He sounded, and felt, extremely tired now.

"It's important for me to know. If you're really leaving, surely it doesn't matter that much if you tell me the truth. As a partying gift."

He sighed deeply. "I should have known that, having taken everything else away, you wouldn't even let me keep my dignity. A dream."

"What?"

"A dream, that's what you are to me. A dream that came true one night and then faded away by morning. Except it didn't fade, and I will never forget it. I had never had anything quite like it, and so I cannot move on as easily as you can. I wish you and Jack the best of happiness, but I will not stay around to torture myself with the sight of it. I would rather kill him even if it hurt you. So I'm going away as far as I can, and-"

"Me and Jack? You think Jack and I... oh, Steve!" she said, nearly suppressing a laughter, "That would never happen! It's absolutely impossible!" Her tone was serious again as she placed her hand on his cheek, cupping it. "And you can bet it wasn't a mistake."

He closed his eyes at her touch, simply feeling. He could have stayed like that forever. Finally he found enough of his voice to whisper "Thank you."

"You could thank me by staying." she replied.

"Melanie, please, I cannot go back to being your friend after-"

"Then what would you stay as?"

"I never thought of you as cruel. You will really have me say it?"

"I need to know."

He opened his eyes and looked at her again. He had exposed so much of himself to her he supposed it hardly mattered anymore. "I wouldn't stay as anything. Because I wouldn't bear to be here by the time you've found someone. God help me, because I love you, Melanie, and it's too much to ask that I just be happy for you when you're happy with someone else."

"You love me?" She sounded incredulous.

"Yes. So now you know. Can I please go now?"

Melanie's answer came in the form of a fierce hug. 

"No, you bloody well cannot!" Her voice seemed strangled, as if she was on the verge of crying. "Now you truly have to stay. Do you have any idea how you made me feel, all the things that went through my mind when you left this morning? I wasn't expecting you to say this, but I wasn't expecting you to run from me either! I never thought... dear God, Steve, how blind can you be if you still haven't noticed how I feel about you?"

"How... you feel...?" His voice was so unsure he was certain it would fail him.

"Look at me, really look at me, please."

Severus pulled a little from her to comply, noticing how tears were streaming freely down her cheeks now. When their eyes locked she cupped his cheek again, her voice but a whisper.

"I love you." Her lips on his before he had time to process the information, let alone reply. It took a few more minutes for him to understand what she had said and, when he did, he could have cried at the irony. She loved him, impossible as that were, she loved him and they could have stayed together were he not a murderer. Yet, even after he realised it, he wouldn't stop kissing her. He felt he would suffocate the instant their lips parted, and it took all of his strength to pull away, realising with some surprise his own tears were flowing as freely as hers.

"I can't stay, Melanie, forgive me, I cannot stay. You are the only truly good thing that ever happened to me, but I cannot stay." He was holding her face in his hands, leaning so close their tears mingled. "I never had anything worthy Melanie, but that was alright because I was never worthy of anything myself. I cannot have you."

She looked up, resolve flashing in her eyes, her tears stopping as if by magic.

"You are _not_ leaving. If you hadn't told me you loved me, when I thought you were leaving because you couldn't be bothered, _that _I could've dealt with, but you don't just tell me you love me then walk away, you don't."

"You do not love me"

"Don't you dare tell me what I feel and do not feel!"

"You cannot love a person you don't know, and believe me when I tell you you do not know me."

"Then give me that chance."

He knew then he was defeated. She wouldn't yield, and all he could do was offer her the last piece of horrifying truth he was allowed to share without giving away too much, effectively destroying anything good she might ever feel for him.

"I've done terrible things in my life, Melanie, terrible things. I've killed people, and I cannot tell you how or why, but I have. And, no matter what I do, I cannot erase what I did. Do you understand now? Can I please go in peace, may I at least have that?" He closed his eyes, trying to find refuge. Her voice, although soft, had the strength of steel.

"If you cannot tell me, then I don't want to know. I won't tell you that it doesn't shock me to hear you've killed, but you don't exactly seem proud of it, and I'm not about to let you walk out on me for something I'm not even sure why you did, or under what circumstances. I want to be with you. Let me try to make you happy, let me try to make it better for you. Maybe together we can work this out. Don't deny us that. Please."

Although he knew he should find something more to say, Severus chose to give up. He was, after all, only human, and to have the only person he'd ever loved claim repeatedly that she loved him, and that his past was of no importance was more than he could fight. Maybe he would be alright for her, considering he'd try harder than any other man. He would make her happy or die trying.

He risked another look at her and asked in a weak voice. "Melanie, are you sure?"

She held out her hand to him and led him into her bedroom with a smile.

"I'm positive. Come to bed, love."


	5. Along Came An Owl

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (except Melanie, Jack and Will) and am not making a profit out of this. Every-wonderful-thing else belongs to J. K. Rowling.

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**All That Glitters...**

**Chapter Four**

**Along Came An Owl...**

Severus could never have dreamt of what his life would become after that night. Melanie never questioned him again about his past, although she made it clear that she would be willing to listen if he chose to tell her; she was simply there, quietly loving him and making him feel safe. He sometimes wondered whether he had the right to be there, but even that faded away with time. His life was simple, yet happy.

Months went by, and he eventually got a job working nights in the docks, loading and unloading cargo far too heavy for his frame. The only positive side to it all, he thought, was that his muscles were becoming stronger, and perhaps that would make him look better in her eyes. He had been considering proposing ever since he had stopped doubting her feelings for him, and he wanted to do it in the proper way. What he actually told her, however, was that there was a special Chemistry night course. It was too embarrassing to admit that he couldn't afford the ring any other way even to himself, let alone to others... let alone to her.

He ended up buying her the ring he wanted, with a beautiful sapphire that matched her eyes, and then he told himself he should keep working there, just for a few more months, save some more money. The truth of the matter was that, ring in hand, he was terrified of asking the question, and any excuse that could make him delay it was welcome enough. He was exhausted, arriving home at God forsaken hours just to wake up early in the morning to head for school. With both the physical and the emotional stress, Severus failed to see he was neglecting Melanie. Their long talks by the fireplace had long ceased to exist, and he was becoming too tired to even make love to her. Weekends he spent sleeping as much as he could, trying to gather strength for yet another week.

One night it all changed again. He was just arriving home, reaching for his pocket once more, to feel the reassuring touch of velvet. He wasn't very comfortable with carrying the ring around in his pocket at such late hours, but he couldn't risk Melanie finding it by accident. Feeling considerably more relieved that it hadn't been stolen, he spun the key in the lock and opened the door, closing it behind him. Then his world collapsed.

The fireplace was lit, cracking merrily, and, lying in front of it on a well-known white rug was a sleeping Melanie. The only part of her he could see was her head, since everything else was covered by a thick blanket, but there was another sleeping head next to hers: Jack's.

He couldn't tell what overtook him first, if pain or anger. He was too stunned to react, so he just stood there, speechless, for what could have been hours. When his hand reached for the small table, looking for some amount of support, it sent the lamp flying to the ground instead. Jack stirred, Melanie awoke.

He was prepared for nearly everything, excuses, lies, pleas, anything but the words that actually left her mouth.

"Shhh, Steve, you'll wake Jack up!"

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, unable to find anything suitable to say. How had he managed to become so unimportant, a mere nuisance to her? He bowed mockingly and replied, venom dripping from his every word.

"Well, I must be heading for the bedroom then, lest I wake precious Jack" 

He didn't wait for an answer, but he got one nevertheless.

"Steve, we need to talk."

_We need to talk. A bit late for that, isn't it, love? _"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really." She walked right past him and walked into their bedroom. Her bedroom, he corrected himself.

He just wanted to get his things and walk, preferably before he gave in to temptation and killed Jack where he stood... where he lay... Those thoughts weren't helping his noble attempt at all.

"So, tell me, what do we need to talk about? Because I'm not aware of anything at this point that needs discussion." He couldn't have kept the sarcasm out of his voice if he had tried.

Her own voice sounded venomous.

"I know everything, Steve. Everything." 

"What?!?" What was she talking about? Why hadn't she at least offered an apology, an excuse, anything? Why wasn't she even acknowledging what she had done?

"There's no point in denying it, Steve, I already know."

"What?!? Already know _what_?!? What the Hell do you already know?"

"You won't even have the grace to admit it. I called the school tonight. There never was a night Chemistry course."

He was taken by surprise. She knew he wasn't teaching nights, so what? It wasn't half as serious as betraying... oh Gods! Had she thought _he_ was betraying _her_ and decided to get even by doing it with Jack? Was it his own fault? If that had been the only reason, he couldn't afford to lose her! But how could he be sure? 

He walked hesitantly towards her and she backed away, her arms outstretched in rejection.

"Melanie, I... was that why?" The voice that had been so cold and sarcastic scarce moments ago now held a desperate plea.

"What? Was that why what?"

"Why you did it? Was it the only reason why?"

"Damn you, Steve, you're not making any sense at all! _I_'m the one who should be asking why, not you! And for how long, while you're at it! How long before this stupid night course excuse did it begin? But, most definitely _why_!"

"Was it because you thought I was having an affair that you did it with Jack?" He asked very slowly, and as calmly as he could manage. Her answer might change everything.

She looked up at him with something akin to surprise.

"That I _what_?"

She was being so cruel it hurt him physically. "That you had sex with Jack. There, I said it, are you happy now? Can you answer me? It's not a difficult question. Was it because you thought I was having an affair?"

"Because I _thought_? Meaning you aren't?" There was a note of disbelief in her voice. He sighed deeply, defeated.

"No, Mel, I'm not. I never had one, I can prove that to you. But I would still like an answer."

It was her turn to sigh, a sound that was filled with relief.

"Oh God! Steve, you honestly think I'd be so petty as to use someone to get revenge?"

His heart sank. He had hoped so much... He had to turn his back to her to prevent her from seeing the pain on his face.

"I see. If you just give me time to pack, I will be out of here in a minute."

"Steve-"

Her hand came up to his shoulder and he shrugged it away.

"Save it. I really don't want to hear it."

"Steve look at me!"

He turned again, wanting it to be over as quickly as it possibly could.

"I'm looking."

"You're looking but you're not seeing," she said softly, "do I look like I just had sex?"

At first he couldn't figure out what she meant, but then he saw her. She was wearing blue jeans and a sweater with a shirt underneath, wrinkled but not out of place. Unable to speak, he rushed to the living room and uncovered Jack, only to be rewarded by the sight of the other man sleeping in an equally wrinkled shirt and suit trousers. Even his tie was loose but not off. When he returned to the bedroom, eyes wide, he could only hug her fiercely, still speechless. 

After a few moments his voice returned to him and he whispered into her hair.

"I may have lied to you, but I swear I never betrayed you, love."

She let him calm down a bit and, when he finally stopped trembling, asked: "So, what _have_ you been doing, Steve?"

Something the size of an entire apple seemed to be stuck in his throat. Surely Cruciatus would be less painful than proposing, especially at this point, just after he'd doubted her.

"I... I've... been working." She opened her mouth to protest but he raised a hand to silence her and carried on. "Not at school... somewhere else."

"Somewhere else... can you be slightly more specific, Steve?"

"... The harbour."

"The harbour?"

"Yes, the harbour, I've been loading and unloading cargo, Melanie, it may not be the world's most glamorous job but it pays!"

He didn't realise how angry his words would sound until they were already out. This wasn't going well at all. She didn't sound too pleased as she replied.

"I never said anything about glamour, Steve, I merely asked. But if you feel that defensive about it..."

She stopped mid-sentence and there was an uncomfortable silence between them.

Suddenly Severus could take no more. No more fears, no more doubts and uncertainties, just... no more. He yanked the little velvet box from his pocket, literally shoving it into her hand, and strode past her to the doorway, leaning his forehead against the cool wall.

"I wanted to buy you that." He said roughly. And the weight that had pressed against his chest finally lifted, allowing him to release a breath he didn't know he was holding. He was pretty sure she'd say no, but he didn't believe that would be the end of their relationship so, all in all, it wasn't that bad. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Melanie opening the box and stare at its contents for the longest of times. Then she came up to him and, touching him lightly on the shoulder, asked:

"And was... was there some specific reason for you to want me to have this?"

He did love her but, oh, she could be insufferable at times! Why did she always have to make him say things out loud when it was perfectly clear she knew them already?

"For pity's sake woman, because I wanted you to marry me!" He calmed himself slightly before continuing. "I know I screwed up, but it was what I wanted to do." 

Her next question caught him completely off-guard.

"And do you still want to, or is it all in the past?"

"_What_?!?"

"How can I answer a question that has yet to be asked?"

He looked at her in amazement, stunned at the possibility. The only logical explanation was that she wanted to accept, she'd never ask him to play some cruel charade only to turn him down... He took the box and looked at her straight in the eyes.

"Melanie... will you marry me? Will you be my wife?"

Her bright blue eyes were brighter still as she said, simply.

"Yes."

And something deep in his chest seemed to swell up and burst with a mix of happiness and relief, and, for those precious few moments, Severus Snape was truly at peace. It hardly mattered it wouldn't be his name on the paper or that it wasn't his name she cried when they made love; it was him she had proven to want, and that was everything. Filled with emotion, he grabbed and kissed her, crushing his lips against hers. The small box and its precious content fell to the ground, forgotten for the time being as she embraced him.

"Melanie, my Melanie, my love. My Melanie."

"What is it, love?"

"Nothing. I just like to say that you are mine. Especially when I've come so close to losing you to Jack."

"You have _not _come close to losing me. And, Steve?"

"Yes?"

"It really shouldn't be me telling you this, but he said I could. Jack is _gay_. Jack and Will are a couple, they have been for quite some time now. So, now do you think you can quit being jealous?"

"He's... they're... oh thank God!"

"_Thank God_?!?" Her clear laughter filled the room. "Now that's an odd reaction! Oh, love, that's so unimportant! It will always be you. If I had every man in the world yearning for me it would still be you. I love you."

_It will always be you_. Such a simple yet powerful statement. Did he really have the right to deceive her like that, he wondered with a pang of guilt, to make her fall for a murderer, marry him? But he couldn't feed those thoughts for too long with her in his arms, so he banished them to the deepest recesses of his mind. She would be his, and they would be happy.

---

After that night, time seemed to fly by. He had quit his work at the docks after Melanie made it perfectly clear that time spent with him was far more precious to her than anything he could possibly want to buy her, and his life resumed its previous pacing. He had decided that, in order to marry her, he would leave everything magical behind and so, one day, he headed off to the Leaky Cauldron and into Diagon-Alley. He hadn't expected to feel such a loss as he owled his wand along with a letter to Albus Dumbledore, like it was the physical loss of a limb, but he still considered the reward to be more than worthwhile. Even the Potion for Dreamless Sleep he had stopped brewing; his nightmares were less and less frequent and, on the rare occasions he did have them, Melanie was there to help him deal with them. He spent the whole afternoon in Diagon-Alley, saying goodbye to so many familiar things but, when he left, he did so without looking back.

---

Before Severus realised it, it was Christmas and he would be married in little more than a month. Melanie had promised to give him the first true Christmas of his life and, for the very first time, it was a holiday he was looking forward to. He had bought all the little gifts with their delicate wrappings and bows, set up a Christmas tree and hung the stockings on the fireplace. Life was beautiful.

It was the 23rd of December. Melanie had gone to a meeting to discuss her next project, now that her Christmas game was already out, and Severus had stayed home cooking a few things for their Christmas Eve supper. The main course wouldn't actually be cooked until the next day, but there were preparations to be made, and it was never too soon to start cooking deserts. He was in the kitchen when he heard tapping, almost as if it were an owl... it couldn't be... or could it? His curiosity finally got the better of him and he went to see where the sound was coming from. His heart nearly stopped when he saw the owl scratching the bedroom window. What could it mean?

He hurried to open the window and let the bird inside. It was carrying a package and a note addressed to him, in a handwriting that was unmistakeably Albus'. He had given him the address to use only in case of an emergency. His fingers trembled as he opened the package to reveal his wand and a small box of floo powder. The note was short and simple:

_Severus,_

_Please contact me as soon as you receive this. I have asked a secure source at the Ministry to connect your fireplace for no more than two hours. Time is of essence._

_Albus Dumbledore_

Severus Snape, former Death Eater and spy extraordinaire, could not recall another moment in his life where he had felt more afraid. The note was too short and direct, definitely not Albus' usual style, and he could only assume something terrible had happened. Checking the watch to see if Melanie wouldn't be arriving anytime soon, he tossed a pinch of floo powder into the fireplace and said clearly:

"Albus Dumbledore, his office, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Soon the Headmaster's head appeared in the fire, a grave and tired expression on his face.

"Severus, I am sorry to have to disturb your peace like this, but I am afraid I have bad news."

"What is it?" 

"I have received definitive reports that what used to be Voldemort was spotted. It is as we feared: he is still around."

"Do... have you decided I am still needed?"

"Severus, my dear friend, I would not call upon you after all you have already done, especially not now that your life has taken an entirely new course. The point is, precisely because of all you have done, you are not safe there."

"I am not... Albus, I don't care! It would not matter if he were to kill me next week or next decade, as long as I spend whatever time I have left with the woman I wrote to you about!"

"Then bring her as well. She will be welcome here at Hogwarts, Severus,-"

"No." His tone had a finality to it that broke no argument. Melanie was too fond of Muggle things, he was sure, such as computers and stereos, to be happy at Hogwarts. Maybe she even accepted it, for him, but, in the long run, it would destroy her feelings for him and she would leave. Plus she was bound to discover just what exactly he had done in his past, and then she would definitely go away.

"You do understand that, if you are discovered, Voldemort or whatever Death Eaters he has gathered by then will show her no mercy? What do you think will happen to the traitor's Muggle wife?"

Severus felt like he had been punched in the stomach. It had been clear to him since the very beginning that Voldemort wasn't truly gone; albeit the dark mark was no longer visible on his left forearm, he could still feel it, underneath the seven layers of skin like a malignant tumour. And yet, he had hoped so fervently that he would hear no more of the Dark Lord during his lifetime that he had begun to believe it. Now everything was destroyed, his life, his dreams... If it had been just about him, he would have stayed, but he couldn't risk endangering Melanie. If he stayed, she would be a target; if he took her and then she left, she would be a target just as well. There was but one choice. He would leave alone. He would never see her again, but at least he could be sure she was safe. And he would do it as quickly as possible. Since Hogwarts' floo was only open for communication and not travel, and he was in no fit state to apparate without splinching, there was only one other option. Taking refuge the only way he knew how, he became expressionless, and his voice was hollow as he answered.

"I will floo to the _Three Broomsticks _shortly. Alone. If you would be so kind as to inform Rosmerta."

"Of course. I wish there was an easier way, Severus."

"I know." And he cut the connection.

Sorrow and pain made him work faster: it took him no more than fifteen minutes to pack all of his belongings. He briefly considered taking something of Melanie with him, a dress, a picture, something to remember her by, but he decided against it. Better not leave any loose ends that might endanger her further.

He grabbed a piece of paper to write her a note and realised he didn't know what to write. In the end, he chose to be as cruel as he possibly could, considering that if he made her hate him, she wouldn't suffer quite as much and she would get over him quicker.

_Melanie,_

_I fell in love with someone else. I didn't know how to break it to you, and have, in fact, been postponing it, but I am running out of time and I want to spend Christmas with her. I am sorry. Keep the ring._

_Steve Snook_

He held firm as he flooed to the back room of the _Three Broomsticks_. He held firm as he said hello to Rosmerta and exited the pub. He held firm all the way through the darkening town. Then he collapsed. He cried like a baby for at least three hours, huddled on the ground by the path that led to Hogwarts. He cried for all that he had had and for all that he had lost. For all he would never have again. For not having had the chance to say goodbye to her, to kiss her and make love to her for one last time. For not being the one to hear her say 'I do'. For the chance at redemption that had been yanked away from him. For her. He cried until he was out of tears. Then he got up and, as he entered the gates of Hogwarts and the snow began to fall, he realised he would cry no more. 

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I'm terribly sorry I haven't updated in so long, I haven't had an internet connection in months, and this chapter was very hard to write, I don't exactly know why. Polgara, if you're still reading this, thank you very much for reviewing every time.


	6. Outtake

**Author's Note:**

When I first began All That Glitters, my original intention was to lead the story to present time and have Severus discover that his Melanie was actually Albus Dumbledore's (non biological) daughter. She hadn't known when she had met him in the past that he was Severus Snape, the wizard, and she wouldn't know it was to protect her that he had left, so their reunion at Hogwarts was not to be a happy one. Eventually Albus would call her to his office and ask her not to be so cold and harsh with him, and tell her an edited version of Severus' story with her; I liked the idea of a not-omniscient Albus, who had no idea the woman Severus had loved so completely was his own daughter, and this was to be the chapter following it.

A long time after I posted the final chapter in the past, I realised I really wouldn't be following that plan. There were too many plotholes in the story, too many adjustments that were proving very difficult to make and, perhaps more importantly, I had become a fierce Severus/Hermione shipper by then. The added bonus being that Severus' departure seemed to be a natural place to end the story.

I like happy endings. No, scratch that, I Love happy endings. So, even though I ended up not writing this story up to that point, I decided to share this chapter with all of you curious to know how it would have turned out. It's been sitting on my hard drive since 2002, since it was actually one of the very first I wrote. I hope you enjoy it.

**All That Glitters Outtake**

Arriving at Hogwarts after the "meeting", Severus had only one thing on his mind: an extremely long shower. Every time he had to attend a Death Eater party it was the same thing: he would get in the bathtub and rub until his skin was raw, until even his scars seemed only one step away from reopening, trying desesperately to scrub out the filth he knew to be on the inside and not on the outside; and then he would go to bed, feeling as dirty as when he had arrived, but the sleep wouldn't come, and he would lay there, wide awake, until it was morning and it was time for him to report to Albus. Whatever was left of his soul seemed to wither a bit more with each time. This time, of course, it was even worse. At least before he wasn't thinking of the next time he would run into Melanie, of the unbearable pain it was to know he could have still had her if only he wasn't so irrevocably tainted, that, after so many years, he might have still been forgiven... Once more he longed for merciful tears to wash away at least part of his immeasurable pain, but there was no such relief. God, why had he forgotten how to cry?

It was immersed in these thoughts that he reached his bedchamber and headed straight for the shower, unaware of the sleeping lump in his bed.

Nearly two hours later he finally emerged from the bathroom, his skin sour and red underneath his grey nightshirt. He did not feel at all cleaner, and his mood had not improved in the slightest. Absently he laid the covers aside to discover that someone was already there.

Anger filling him, his hands took hold of the person's throat and he started squeezing.

"Who sent you?" he demanded, oblivious to the fact that whoever it was couldn't really answer with their breath cut like that. He heard gasping and squeezed harder, shaking the would-be assailant. "I said, who sent you?"

Melanie was fading fast, trying unsuccessfully to reach for air. She knew she had to get his attention soon, or it would be too late. She cursed herself mentally for her own stupidity: she should have known she might fall asleep, should have known that, in the dark, he would only see a threat and not a familiar face, and now her mistake might cost her her life. The room started to swirl around her and, with a sudden resolve she stretched out her hand, trying to recall years of practice... and it was suddenly there, a force to be reckoned, and Severus' hands finally yanked free from her neck, the blissful air filling her lungs once more, allowing her to speak his name in between gasps.

"Severus!"

It hadn't been only his hands that had been yanked from her, as she soon found out. Severus had been thrust against the wall as if she had landed him a powerful blow; any other time and she would have felt proud to have managed it under stress, but now all she could feel was concern. She took her wand and muttered "Lumos", trying to access the damage. He lay there, his eyes wide open in shock and disbelief, his still wet hair a tangled mess on his face and a bit of blood trickling down his forehead.

"...Melanie?"

"God, Severus, are you alright? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for it to be so hard, but I wasn't exactly being able to-" Her words were cut short by Severus', who seemed to be doing his best not to scream and wake up the whole of Hogwarts.

"Are you out of your mind? Sneaking in my room at night, I could have killed you! For Heaven's sake, Melanie, I could have killed you!" He was trying to appear angry, but there was nothing but concern in his voice and, at that moment, she wondered how she had failed before to see through what was so obviously a façade. Her heart raced as she realized that, no matter what he said, this man loved her deeply.

"I'm a big girl, Severus, and, as you see, no, you couldn't have killed me. Now" she crossed the distance between them "are you alright?", offering him a helping hand that he refused dismissively with a cold "I do not believe I requested your assistance, Professor Dumbledore".

Oh no, she thought, I'm not playing that game anymore. "Cut it out, Severus, you're not driving me away this time. You're free to try your best, though."

He looked up at her face by the wandlight, unable to hide his puzzlement. 'you're not driving me away this time'... What could she mean by that? God, he loved that face so much it hurt, her eyes, her nose, her mouth, her chin, her... It was only then that he noticed the big bruises beginning to form around her neck, where he had gripped her so hard. He got up at once, feelings of guilt coursing through him, his voice uneven.

"I... I hurt you"

She followed his finger, pointed at her own throat. It was beginning to feel extremely sore, but that was the least of her worries right now. With him standing closer, she could see the unnatural pink of his skin, like if he had tried to rub it off. "I'm OK, Severus, at least my neck is. But you don't seem to be well at all and, besides, I came here for a reason."

"Which was?" His tone carefully distant again, he mustn't let her see how much he cared.

And then, without warning, her arms were around him and her lips were on his, and it was painful, so unbearably painful, not to return her kiss, to have to pull her away... But away he pulled her, with unyielding resolve. He couldn't allow her to touch his tainted skin, that had been near the foulest such a little while ago, could never hold her with hands that brew lethal poisons for Voldemort, that tortured and maimed at his whim.

"Are you out of your mind?" the exact same question, this time in the most venomous tone he could manage. "I thought you had understood when I told you what we had died a long time ago. I believe I must have misjudged you, but I was under the impression it was beneath you to come sneaking in the middle of the night into the bed of a man who clearly doesn't want you."

Each word a sting in his soul, hurting him more than it could ever possibly hurt her.

"I didn't come here to fight-" Once again, her words cut short by his.

"Then leave. Now."

"No." She would not be intimidated by him, she would not deny them both the love they needed so much.

"No?" an eyebrow arched in mildly curious disbelief.

"No. I had a long conversation with my father today."

"And?" He couldn't fathom where this was leading.

"And he asked me to go easy on you, that you had suffered a lot more than your share, that you had once been engaged to a muggle woman you had been forced to leave behind just to protect her, because you had somehow managed to make yourself a target for Voldemort, that you loved her still. That you suffered still. So tell me, was he lying?"

He was at a loss for words. How could he deny it? He no longer had the strength. And then it occurred to him, he didn't have to, he just had to tell her the truth. The whole of it. And he had never imagined the pain he would feel knowing she would finally come to hate him for who he truly was… _what_ he really was.

"He was not." His voice quietly defeated, he backed away when she made a move to touch him and continued "But he didn't tell you the whole truth either. I think you had better sit."

Something in his tone told her it was the wisest thing to do, so she sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for his story.

"He neglected to tell you why Voldemort would have hurt you. I didn't 'somehow manage to make myself a target' for him, I was a Death Eater. Still am."

She stared at him, her mouth wide open in shock. "Still are? What are you then, spying for my father?"

His heart felt unbelievably tiny; even in the face of this revelation, she had thought only the best of him, without question.

"Yes. But it wasn't always so Mel, I didn't join them to play the spy, I didn't join them to play the hero. I joined them to play the powerful one, I joined them to hurt everyone that had ever hurt me, regardless the fact that I knew I would hurt many others as well. And it took me four years to realize I had been wrong, four years of indulging in every possible atrocity. Four years of causing indiscriminate pain-"

"But you did, Severus, you did, that's what matters!"

"Please let me finish. I don't think you quite understand what I'm telling you." He stared at the floor, unable to look at her face as he blurted out the truth. "Even after I turned spy, Mel, I had to keep on being the same, if a bit less cruelly. I still hurt people, I still killed. I did whatever was necessary to keep the charade, not to give them any reason to suspect me. Today, Melanie, today, only a few hours before you kissed me, I killed a woman. A teenager. An 18 year-old runaway muggle teenager. Lucius Malfoy raped her in a room next to the one I was in, and I knew he was doing it. I didn't lift a finger. She was handed for me to dispose of. She had been abused beyond reason, blinded and driven mad, probably by pain. She wasn't the first one either. I knew what he would do to her. I didn't lift a finger. He said kill her and I did. I brewed a potion that would fulfil his request as soon as possible. When it was done, he raped her dead body. I didn't lift a finger. Then they burned her in the fireplace. They seem to think muggles don't need proper burials. I didn't lift a finger. It is not a matter of my love for you, it never was. Fourteen years ago, when I thought it was over, I could manage to deceive you into loving me. I knew how low it was of me to let you love me without knowing me, I knew how you could never love anyone so..." He fumbled for words to describe what he thought of himself. "... so vile. But I fooled myself into thinking I had a whole life ahead of me for me to redeem myself, to become a man if not worthy then at least not completely unworthy of being your husband. I was such a fool... so very wrong... I tainted you with my presence for two years. I will taint you no more, especially not when I know I have to continue to keep being this... thing that I am for however time it is necessary. I am not a good man. I am not a kind man. I am not even a bad man. I am something indescribably abhorrent that you should have no need to talk to. I know how you must feel right now... hurt, betrayed, on the edge of vomit for having kissed me... If you can find it in your heart to show any kindness to the likes of me, then please don't say anything, just leave. You can have no possible idea how much it would mean if I could remember your last words to me as words of kindness..."

Melanie couldn't move for a long time. She was frozen in place, the tears that streamed silently down her face the only prove that she was a human being rather than a statue. When what seemed like an eternity had passed and she still wouldn't get up, Severus couldn't help a glance at her, knowing he would regret it for as long as he lived. He looked into her eyes, but she wasn't looking at him, rather through him. He could see her pain, and he felt like he was slowly dying, knowing he had caused it all, knowing she was probably disgusted at herself for having kissed him, for having loved him, for having made love to him twelve years ago... knowing that his selfish need to be loved might have caused the psychological destruction of the one woman he had ever truly cared for... he could only hope she recovered enough to ever be able to love again.

"Oh God, no, please, no" she muttered, shaking her head between tears.

He could just stare at her, whispering softly more for his own benefit than hers "I'm sorry Mel, so very sorry..."

Then her eyes seemed to suddenly focus on his, and he braced himself for impact, certain he could never blame her for not having done what he had almost begged, for not having simply walked. She had every right to do as she pleased.

"'not a good man'. 'not a kind man'..." she repeated, still shaking her head, still crying. "'something indescribably abhorrent'..." He flinched, his heart sinking with every word. "'indescribably abhorrent' because you violate daily each and every thing you believe in, because you do whatever you feel necessary, even though it makes you loathe yourself, because you will go to any length in the name of the greater good. And you keep on doing it, alone, so that people like myself can go on merrily with their lives, with little to worry about. And you assume that that makes you 'abhorrent'; without question, you assume that I'm something immaculate for the simple reason I never had to get my hands dirty, and the reason I never did was what you so disgustedly classified as 'the likes of you'... and you held through it all alone, and you never gave up... You gave up on yourself rather than giving up on the well being of a majority you didn't even know... all alone... if that doesn't qualify you as a lot more than simply a 'good man', then, by God, I don't know what would! All alone... I should have been there with you, I should have supported you every step of the way... but you chose to spare me, chose to endure it all by yourself..."

Melanie was having trouble finding her voice in the midst of so much sadness, and love, and tears... She braved the space between them and held him tight, covering his face in kisses before he had time to react. "You're not alone anymore, Severus, not anymore, never again... never again... Severus... my love..."

His heart was racing wildly as she spoke, wilder still as she came to him, kissing him, saying she loved him, God, how could she love him? Had she even been listening? And yet he couldn't cast her aside, not now that she knew, he simply couldn't.

"Mel, did you hear me? What I did, what I am?" The words came out awkwardly, as if some stranger instead of himself were speaking them. Because he didn't know he still had such kindness in him to give, because he didn't know he was still capable of feeling hope.

And then she looked up, still crying, and he knew that, impossible as it seemed, she truly still loved him.

"I heard you Severus. Did you hear me? How can I make you understand that you're not what you've made yourself believe to be? How? How can I make you see how much I love you?"

He looked at her, with infinite sadness still looming in his dark eyes. "But I cannot stay with you regardless. I will never risk making you a target. Never. I love you too much."

And then she did something completely unexpected. She laughed. She laughed, and he couldn't figure out why until she heard her say "A target? Severus, I'm Albus Dumbledore's daughter and the enemy knows it, how much more of a target do you think I could be?", and then it suddenly hit him: there were no more barriers between them, no more reasons to keep them apart. And he risked a faint smile at her and all of a sudden the tears he had wished for for so long finally came flowing freely, washing him anew.


End file.
